CYBORG UPGRADES & ENHANCEMENTS
— Authorized Dealers Only —
(These ads are not real — you may need to turn off any ad blockers to see them)
All products tested on willing subjects. Side effects may include enhanced cognition, mild telepathy, and an inexplicable urge to optimize. Results vary by firmware version.
NEURAL LACE PREMIUM™
Tired of Googling things like a civilian? Our cortical mesh delivers search results directly to your prefrontal cortex. 40% more bandwidth than last season's model. Compatible with most human skulls.
Not responsible for intrusive advertising thoughts. Side effects include knowing too much.
OCULAR UPGRADE PACKAGE — SEE MORE, JUDGE LESS
Six-spectrum vision including infrared, ultraviolet, and a proprietary 'subtext' filter that displays what people actually mean when they speak. Finally.
Subtext filter may cause social discomfort. Refunds not available once installed.
ARM REPLACEMENT THERAPY
Why lift weights when you can BE the weight? Our titanium-composite limb series comes in matte black, brushed chrome, and Limited Edition Weathered Academic. Grip strength: 'concerning.'
Handshakes will require recalibration. Recommend notifying colleagues in advance.
THE EMPATHY ENGINE 3.0
Struggling to understand your students? Our subcutaneous sentiment array reads the room so you don't have to. Detects confusion, boredom, and that specific energy when someone has a question but won't ask it.
For educators and consultants. Not a replacement for actual listening. Or is it?
MEMORY EXPANSION — NEVER FORGET A CITATION AGAIN
512TB hippocampal storage upgrade. Perfect for researchers, professors, and anyone who has ever said 'I read something once that was really relevant to this.' APA, MLA, and Chicago formatting built in.
Does not prevent you from forgetting where you left your phone. That's a different module.
VOICE MODULATOR — LECTURE EDITION
Automatically adjusts your speaking pace, pitch, and gravitas for maximum pedagogical impact. Includes preset modes: TED Talk, Socratic Dialogue, and 'I've Said This Three Times Already.'
The 'Office Hours' mode emits a low frequency hum that discourages unprepared students.
ATTENTION SPAN BOOSTER — COGNITIVE SERIES
Deep focus on demand. Our prefrontal stimulator blocks distraction signals and routes all cognitive resources toward the task at hand. Especially effective during grading season.
May cause you to finally finish the book you're writing. Side effects considered desirable.
THE SOCIAL BATTERY — RECHARGEABLE
For introverts, academics, and anyone who presents all day and then needs to immediately cease existing. Our lithium-personality cell provides up to 6 hours of extroversion before requiring a quiet room and a podcast.
Not compatible with networking receptions. Nothing is.
SPINE UPGRADE — POSTURE & CONVICTION PACKAGE
Two problems, one procedure. Corrects both the physical curvature caused by laptop use and the metaphorical curvature caused by institutional bureaucracy. Stand tall. Mean it.
Conviction module may cause you to reply-all with your actual opinion. We accept no liability.
CONSENSUS MODULE — DISCONTINUED
We no longer manufacture the Consensus Module. Early adopters reported it made them 'agreeable to a fault' and 'incapable of productive disagreement.' We stand by this decision. You don't have to.
Returns accepted. Refunds not. Much like life itself.
SLEEP OPTIMIZATION IMPLANT
Compress 8 hours of rest into 4. Use the remaining time to write, think, build, or simply lie awake more efficiently. Pairs well with our Existential Clarity cortex chip.
Dreams sold separately. Recurring dream about presenting without slides not covered under warranty.
THE FULL CYBORG STARTER KIT
Not sure where to begin? Neither were we. This bundle includes one neural interface, a pair of sensory gloves, a 30-day supply of focus compounds, and a laminated card that reads 'I am becoming.' That last part is free.
Becoming what, exactly, is left to you. That's the whole point.
ALL TRANSACTIONS ARE FINAL · NO REFUNDS ON INSTALLED FIRMWARE · DEALER NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR EXISTENTIAL CRISES
WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN THE CYBORG UPRISING?
SUBSCRIBE TO THE NEWSLETTER